How To Get Julian Assange Out Of The Ecuador Embassy

So despite Assange’s fairly busy week, it seems that the man wanted for rape offences in Sweden has progressed exactly nowhere. He may have caused a row between two nations, but it has got him no closer to leaving his room in the Ecuador Embassy. As the UK are refusing to grant him safe passage, one toe out of the front door will result in immediate arrest and extradition back to Sweden.

This impasse could last for months, and if so could get very pricey for the UK- running a 24/7 police operation ain’t cheap. Assange isn’t likely to come out until he gets his way, and the last thing anybody wants is the UK to storm an embassy. So I came up with a few novel ways to persuade him to leave of his own accord.

1)      They could torture his whistleblowing instincts. Perhaps littering the streets with confidential government files or hang USB sticks outside his window. David Cameron and Obama could hold secret meeting across the street from him.

2)      Have William Hague randomly conduct press conferences outside the Embassy, loudly dropping words like ‘revoke’ and ‘British soil’.

3)      Send Boris Johnson on a zip wire to dangle helplessly outside his window. This time with American and Swedish flags.

4)      Blast him with the Go Compare jingles. 24/7. Or for as long as everybody else can stand it for. Then switch to Crazy Frog.

5)      Read out passages from his diary, in a variety of amusing voices. Maybe get Robin Williams to do it.

6)      Intercept his newspapers and fill in the crosswords for him. Incorrectly.

7)      Clear the TV schedule on every channel and just run repeats of My Super Sweet 16.

8)       Put laxatives in his pizza.

9)      Send him books to alleviate his boredom. Written by Louise Mensch.

And the most sure fire way to get Assange to leave his refuge?

10)   Ignore him.

As we know from his diaries, Assange has an ego so large it could apply for nation status. As soon as the media interest dries up, he’ll fling himself at Sweden’s mercy and no doubt resume his role as courageous martyr, bravely taking on the Powers That Be.

On second thought, maybe leave him in there.

If you’d like to leave any of your own suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments =]

Edited at 19:39 because Assange’s homeland is Australia, not Sweden. Obviously.